vendredi 1 janvier 2016


 I love Youtube. Back in the days it took me way too much time to gather my records but today I, just like you, can check what's new in a few seconds. And this time things got hilarious. I was searching for some old school trve black metal and then I suddenly crossed the way of a heavy metal band filled up with cheesy keyboards and desperate female vocals, Semblant. I saw the official video (always better when if official, innit ?) and I discovered that things had worsened since the good old days of Tarja's/Simone's "singing abilities". Too much was too much I had to tell it to someone, assuming that someone in the end is you. You'll find the video where all started and what then YT algorithms recomended me.

01. Semblant - 'What lies ahead'  from 'Lunar Manifesto' - Brazil (2014)

 At first glance I found nothing new. Ugly guys with random metalheads clothes styles (the thrash guy, the metalcore guy, the Count Dracula). An half-naked lady dressed in black with hot boobs and blue hair just like Arch Enemy's new singer. Musically always the same old shit. She drills my eardrums, he seems to be angry and barely evil, they sing each one verse. Well that's the kind of crap I hated as a teen, even though I understand some might like it. Nothing is new, they could have been romanian or californian, I wouldn't have noticed the difference. Why did I saw this ? Oh yeah blue hair and boobs. Damn merchandising...

02. Калевала- 'Нагрянули' from 'Луна и грош' -  Russia (2013)

  From times to times I enjoy women singing in Russian. It's a beautiful language. I also appreciated Arkona, even if they always had a quite ridiculous side and some suspect sympathies for nationalist ideas IHMO. It seemed normal that other bands of this type may exist deep in Russia. This is the kind of things you know according to the theory but that become suddenly concrete only when you're really facing them. Although the song is pretty OK compared to the rest of this list, the singer happened to wear the most stupid dress for steppe wanderings. And some horrible make-up too. Life might be that boring in the russian steppes in order to shoot such an official video...

03. The pretty reckless - 'Going to hell' from well 'Going to Hell' - USA (2014)

  Alright, she's beautiful. And she totally knows it. And the video director knows it too. And the merchandising staff. And your dick. Musically it sounds like some kind of modern genderbend Guns'n'Roses and esthetically it features suggested sex, pseudo anti-christianity and uhm suggested sex. And yeah, she's going to hell it seems. 2014 ? Seriously sounds more like 1984 to me.

04. Kalidia - 'Lies device' from well 'Lies device' - Italy (2014)

  Oh yeah, italian heavy metal ! In my hometown italian bands are usually touring as first parts for more renowned bands coming from northern Europe or the US and I love them because they're quite ridiculous. They try really hard to be metal as fuck, but their italian roots always reappear somehow. They can't help, Italians are born to be real artists not brutal stupid metalhead drunkards. Emulating the scandinavians -but in the Alps-  Kalidia show us how dark, mysterious and pagan they are and they aren't afraid to include technical guitar playing even if... this doesn't work the way they'd like it, I guess. Cheesy melodies are well suited for this kind of stuff, and there's so many bands from this country you might check if you liked it.

05. The dirty youth - 'Fight' from  'Red fix light' - UK (2011)

  So they're famous and they play it nasty. And they play it exactly how I expected it coming from an american band for teenagers fronted by a flat and dyed yet attractive singer. Not sure this is a compliment though.

06. New Years Day - Kill or be killed from 'Malevolent' - USA (2015)

  I'm an european dickhead and as such I fucking hate deathcore. Deathcore shouldn't exist, this shit is a betrayal of both death metal and of the original hardcore punk. To be fair, I hate deathcore fans just as much as I hate people with long long beards *ahem*. The fact there's a chick with Harley Quinn hair, tats and a flat chest won't get me into deathcore. Somehow the worst kind of shit that could have happened to metal. Worst than original 80s hair bands. Fuck, now I wanna be really malevolent.

07. Stitched up art - 'Finally free' from 'Skeleton key' - USA (2014)

  Another american mallcore band, another hot flat chested girl covered with massive tattoos, and another fucking piece of shit for late teen kiddos grown up on the XXIst century. Hell, the fact she can headbang like a pro won't help this band.

08. Against myself - 'Through the end of times' from 'Odyssey to reflexion' - Spain (2015)

  I already talked about my italian guilty pleasures. Italians try to mimick the people from northern Europe today, while it has been the contrary for centuries. But the other latins, in Europe and in America, tend to mimick the Italians for some years now ! Of course I don't like this stuff that much but I have to admit this track was quite a good surprise. Of course the clip is pretty stupid, the keyboard's annoying and the riffs are totally random but those Spaniards did their best. They didn't abuse of their singer's breast and she didn't overdo it, what should be noticed for this genre, and that was enjoyable.

09. Onirya - 'Revenge' from 'Break the Silence' - Italy (2015)

  That's right. Another italian female-fronted cheesy heavy metal band, this time with more desperation and anger. Hurray !

10. Dysrider/Trophallaxy - 'Nothing' from 'Resilience' - Switzerland (2013)

  It always sounds pretty rubbish but I think Switzerland is one of the most fascinating countries on this Earth, as well as one of the strongest, even if they don't assume it. I always had a lot of respect for the Swiss, even if they're sometimes a little bit arrogant, especially in some german-speaking inbred parts of the Confederation. Swiss music is like everything they create is technical, clean and weird. This video of  Trophallaxy (today known as Dysrider) started like an awful clone of the already awful A-ha cover by the german band Atrocity, a band really deserving its name. But even with violins, keyboards, an overweighted singer in pseudo-medieval  dirndl, you can feel that they're not totally playing shit. Well-built, sometimes rather technical and partly interesting this track is how italian heavy metal bands would sound if they were clean and not too much demonstrative like Italians are. And you can't even blame the germanic roots of the musicians, as they hail from the french-speaking part of the country.

11.Wildpath - 'Buried Moon' from 'Underneath' - France (2011)

  In French there's a word barely existing in any other language summing up everything female-fronted heavy metal bands generally are : cul-cul, literrally  "ass-ass". It's hard to translate but it roughly can be applied to Barbie, Disney princesses, french perfumes commercials and all those precious girly things filled with pseudo-romantism and a wrong conception of feminity teached to little girls in patriarcal capitalist societies. Nightwish was cul-cul, but this band put it on another level. The singer is closer to some catholic choral member than anything else, and the music is boring as fuck. I even didn't speak about the visuals... So french, so unmetal. The sad part of the story ? Singing like this is horribly difficult. 

12.Lyriel - 'Paranoid Circus' from 'Paranoid Circus' - Germany (2009)

  This stuff is a little bit older than the rest here, You Tube started to get tired. It also is heavier and slower and features not one but two female singers. Bingo ! We had Russia, Italy, Spain, Switzerland and France, it only lacked the germans, our former heavy metal overlords on continental Europe. Along with shitty violins and shitty keyboards (and visuals even my grand-ma would have disliked), you'll find everything that I personnally find tasteless and boring in the so-called goth metal trend.

13. Metalwings - 'Crying of the sun' from their outbreaking single - Bulgaria (2015)

  Combining two european metal specialities, classical and medieval fascinations, Metalwings (fuck what a lame name...) tries to bring Bulgaria on the genre map. They try really hard and they're quite good for this kind of stuff, but I can't help watching their official video made me sad for them. Sorry guys...

14. Clandestine - 'Disappear in you' from 'The invalid' - USA (2011)

  After this europeanism peak YT had to cool down and recommended me some good old US mall metal. USA are so diverse, so great, so modern, so deathcore-is-teh-only-tr00e-brutal-shit. Oh my gosh, this is why the whole world listens to stupid european bands since 1995...

15. Ancient bards - 'The birth of evil' from 'The alliance of the kings' - Italy (2010)

  Quite old but still fun to watch. Italian heavy metal will burry every other genre, this guys are pushing it so hard nothing will resist them. Ridiculously italian, even the zero budget video is trying too hard. Can you believe this is really from 2010 and not 1988 ?! Maybe my favourite here.

16. Xandria - 'Nightfall' from 'Sacrificium' - Germany (2014)

  I have to admit that after two hours spent listening to this kind of crap my musical tastes might not have been altered and I'm starting to wonder if this guys are just good or if I'm simply starting to go nuts. I don't know if the second german band here shows us what symphonic metal really means or if they're just pathetic Nightwish copycats. Maybe both. Despite a video screaming cliché and one of the most ridiculous dress worn by a metal singer.

17. Evolvent - 'Love doesn't love me' from 'Whatever happens' -France (2015)

  I try to not be really mean most of the time when I'm talking about amateur musicians. I know what it's like to play in a shitty band, for sure, but this isn't average, even for a french female fronted heavy metal band. They could have done better for sure. Such a waste.

18. Temperance - 'Save me' from 'Limitless' - Italy (2015)

  Yeah, yeah, another nice girl playing in an italian band. But this time it made me more think about some crazy anime opening than a random nordic act copy/paste track. But don't be fooled, despite her blondness, she and her friends are still italian to the core in the way they're playing. Too much doesn't mean a thing once you've crossed the Alps.


19. Unleash the archers - 'Tonight we ride' from 'Time stands still' - Canada (2015)

  Some say that Canada is the right compromise between Europe and the States and if you just look at this band it will appear somehow true. Musically speaking this shit is very italian with some old german heavy metal reminiscences but the visuals are a total rip-off the latest Mad Max and its post-apocalyptic barbaric modernity. Still ridiculous but I have to admit fun and intersting to watch and to hear.


20. Meden Agan - 'Everlasting Pain' from 'Lacrima Dei' - Greece (2014)

  Ten years ago Greece was nearly nothing in terms of heavy music, but they're now accpeted as a quite normal nation in the metal family despite being orthodox infidels living in front of the open-air jail called Middle-East. It was unavoidable that some kind of opera metal would come from Greece someday. You'll find all the shitty basics of the genre plus an odd violet touch on everything and clown/juggaloo make-up from time to time in this video. But after 19 other female-fronted masterpieces, I don't really care anymore anyway...

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